A great metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, written by Joe Oliver, The Demons on the Boat.
Who or what are your demons?
And who’s steering your boat, you or them?
The Vulnerable Leader
I love this TED talk by Brene Brown.
In it she describes her research on ‘the whole hearted’. She found that they demonstrate:
- the courage to be imperfect
- compassion – for self and others
- connection to others as a result of authenticity
- willingness to fully embrace vulnerability as a necessary part of a life well-lived.
‘In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen….really seen’
This reminds me of the inspirational leaders I have worked for. There was something about their willingness to be wrong; their compassion for themselves, the team and the clients and their absolute authenticity, that was utterly compelling. I wanted to do a great job for these leaders. It was enlivening to work for them. I knew that if I made a mistake they would show the same compassion for me that they showed to everyone. That openness to vulnerability and compassion seemed to create an atmosphere where I could make wiser decisions in my work.
Why does compassion and openness to vulnerability make a difference? I think it is because then it allows us to:
- Be in contact with the present moment – seeing the world as it is, rather than as as our minds tell us it is. We can then take action based on the real situation rather than our internal story about what is happening.
- Make space for painful feelings with compassion rather than trying to avoid or control them. This frees up an awful lot of mental energy.
- Acknowledge when we aren’t acting according to our values and adjust our behaviour. It can be very painful to realise that we have let ourselves down and, in some way, not been the person we want to be. Self compassion and acceptance (rather than avoidance) of painful feelings enable us to notice these moments and use them to guide our next steps.
Brain: ‘Do More, Sleep Later!’
Our brains evolved to scan the environment, seek out possible problems and solve them. Our brains did not evolve to say: ‘tell you what, I’ve done enough analysing / thinking / scanning for today, I’m clocking out’. And the brains that did do this, were soon weeded out. Probably by lions.
So, the non-stop brain is highly adaptive for survival situations.
But what happens if, like now, the imperative is not survival but productivity, and where the information we receive is increasingly limitless?
Well, the response is the same. We naturally keep scanning the environment, seeking out problems and attempting to explain or resolve them. And of course, this takes time.
So fast forward to today and we are naturally feeling very busy. We are trying to cram more in. Not all of the side effects of this are negative of course, but I want to focus on just one that is.
I came across some Australian research recently which simply looked at the number of hours we work vs the number of hours we sleep. Here is the result:
Now, I don’t know if this is a bad thing for productivity per se, but I suspect overall it is, especially if we are working in a highly distracted, disengaged way. But I do know about some fairly conclusive research from the University of Warwick, which found that people who slept for less than 6 hours per night were almost 50% more likely to die from heart disease and 15% more likely to die from strokes.
Our minds naturally seek meaning and coherence from the world around us. But our worlds have expanded and we have become addicted to activity. As Ian Price argues, today we even get status from being busy.
So in an age of limitless information, our natural responses may no longer be adaptive. We may need to re-think our thinking in order to thrive.
Self Compassion in Business
A few years ago, I’d have laughed at the idea of using compassion – let alone self compassion – in a business context. It seems so incongruous.
But now I think it’s indispensable.
I think it could be argued that the main problem with the workplace is lack of compassion. Showing compassion is often equated with weakness, or letting ourselves or others off the hook. In fact Paul Gilbert has shown that we fear that we will become lazy if we are too compassionate, so it is seen often as a bit soft, unbusinesslike.
Yet I would argue the alternative is far less successful. Effective leadership, organisational design, employee engagement, meaning in work, resilience – all of these start with compassion. And the evidence is growing to support this view:
- Students with most self compassion were least likely to procrastinate (Williams, Stark and Foster, 2008)
- Self compassion predicts resilience / re-engagement with goals following failure (Neff et al, 2005) *
- Self acceptance predicts willingness to receive and act on feedback (Chamberlain et al, 2001)
As Kelly McGonigal outlines here, self compassion correlates with lower depression, social anxiety, anger, judgment, close mindedness, less unhealthy perfectionism, greater social connection and empathy. And not only that, but self compassion can be taught. The big question is how.
Many cognitive therapists would start with disputing or changing negative thoughts about ourselves. Yet I would start with context, and acceptance. And for this, no one says it better than Ken Robinson:
“Human beings were born of risen apes, not fallen angels. And so what shall we wonder at? Our massacres, our missiles, or our symphonies?
The miracle of human kind is not how far we have sunk but how magnificently we have risen. We will be known among the stars not by our corpses, but by our poems.”
Using Social Network Theory to Build More Effective Teams
Brian Uzzi, from Kellog School of Management, has done some interesting work on social networks and team performance.
He found that the most effective teams include:
- a mixture of both experienced people and individuals who are new to the field
- some people who have worked together before and some who haven’t.
This may be because this mixture will create a team who:
- are starting with some pre-existing relationships of trust which can be built on if handled well
- are more flexible – there is likely to be an inherent tendency to question and cross fertilize idea’s
In order to get the most out of the team once you have selected the right members:
- Have some team values conversations – What do we want the work of this team to stand for? What do we want to think when we look back on this team?
- Develop some behavioural agreements – How will we deal with conflict? How will we give each other feedback? etc
- Have an attitude of acceptance – working in a group inevitably involves some difficult moments
- Be curious – about both the newcomers (What are their strengths and interests? What are the triggers that can cause them problems?) and also those you have worked with before (Try not to assume that you know who they are and what they do best, see if you can see them afresh as you start this project together).
Psychological Flexibility and the Miracle of Istanbul
This is a story about what Liverpool Football Club has taught me about happiness, pain and meaning.
I love Liverpool FC, but I am also what’s known as an ‘armchair’ fan. That is, I support Liverpool but don’t go to the match very often.
In 2005, Liverpool staged the most astonishing run to the final of the European Cup that has ever been seen. With a truly average team, and defying huge odds, they beat many superior teams along the way, including incredible comebacks (Olympiakos) and heroic performances (Chelsea). It was incredible, and now they would play the mighty AC Milan in Istanbul.
In nearly every position AC Milan had the better players than Liverpool – in fact the miracle was they were there at all.
At the time, I remember that I really wanted to go to the final. I thought about it very hard but I worried about the cost involved. I even found a ticket and a convoluted journey that would have got me to Istanbul in time. I would have loved to have gone, but in the end I narrowly decided against it.
Why?
Because deep down, I thought Liverpool would lose, and I wanted to spare myself the pain of being there when they did.
And as it turned out, I was right. Because at half time in Istanbul Liverpool were 3-0 down. They were outclassed as predicted, and I was gutted, watching on TV.
But I was also a bit relieved I hadn’t gone, because I couldn’t have handled the pain of watching my beloved team humiliated on the biggest stage of all. Plus what a waste of money!
Beloved….
For some people, their love of Liverpool is so great that they go to every single match. Irrespective of where it is, how they’re feeling, who it’s against, whether Liverpool are likely to win, they will be there. They love Liverpool, and they live that love. They feel the pain when the Reds lose, but they keep turning up, through the wind and rain. At halftime in Istanbul, these people sang You’ll Never Walk Alone.
Just after half time Liverpool scored a consolation goal. Relief! They had avoided humiliation. But then, they scored again….
What followed is easily the most astonishing match in any sport I have ever witnessed. Liverpool eventually triumphed amid scenes of utter joy, elation and incredulity – which I had witnessed from a bar in Farringdon.
Just imagine what it would have been like to be there.
And there we have it.
Happiness and sadness are not opposites, but twins. They either grow big and strong together, or they stay small and weak together. By being willing to be sad, I grow my capacity for happiness. By accepting pain, I open my life to joy.
For the real fans in Istanbul they will always be able to say; I was there.
For me, I have the satisfaction of having played it safe, lessening my pain.
Not got quite the same ring has it?
Myths and Mistakes in Goal Setting
I have recently come across some highly competent professionals who say they have become reluctant to set goals. They don’t think that goal setting really works.
I am interested in this. I wonder if they have run into problems with goal setting because they have adopted some common, counter-productive goal setting myths. So here are some problematic but common goal setting ideas.
- Spend a lot of time visualising success. A mistake. This can actually decrease motivation –for those of us who are upbeat, imagining the wonderful outcome in detail may trick us into feeling like we have actually experienced the positive outcome, so we don’t need to do it in real life. Or the visualisation can trigger a cynical response from our mind: ‘Yeh, Like that would happen!’ or ‘Won’t it be terrible if I don’t achieve this’. Instead, spend time making an action plan. Run through the plan in your mind to see if you can identify any likely problems that you need to deal with.
- Spend a lot of time getting your thinking right. Another mistake. Having confidence that you will achieve the outcome is very helpful as it encourages persistence – but this confidence only really comes from experiences of success in the real world rather than trying to persuade yourself that you will succeedwithout any meaningful evidence to back up the belief. Instead,
- Accept that if you move out of your comfort zone your mind is likely to start to chatter. Thank your mind for this and gently carry on.
- Divide the steps up into bite sized manageable chunks – as you experience success your confidence will grow. And, accept that each time you move forward, your mind is likely to start chattering again.
- Rewarding yourself for progress – this is kind of odd. As if you are in two parts – the part that doles out a reward and the part that does the task. Think back – how many times do you actually follow through on this? Do you really, genuinely only allow yourself to watch ‘Gavin and Stacey’ once the ironing is done? Does this strategy really work for you? Are you genuinely more likely to do the ironing because you know that then you will be ‘allowed’ to watch ‘Gavin and Stacey’? I think that this is a tiny bit psychotic (sorry)! Most of us think we will follow through with our plans to ‘reward’ ourselves but then we either just give ourselves the reward anyway (and justify it with ‘Well I have had a hard day at work and I am sure I will do the ironing later’) or we do the task and don’t give ourselves the reward (‘When I lose 5kg I will treat myself to a massage’ – Yeh right, I bet you will!). Instead, link your goals to your values. Ask yourself: What is important about this? How does taking this action move me towards being who I want to be in the world?
- ‘Rewarding’* others for progress – e.g. giving a bonus. This may work in the short term but it is often ultimately de -motivating. If an external reward is attached to something I would have done anyway, (e.g. doing my best at work) then,
- Doing my best can start to feel like something I ‘have to do’ rather than ‘choose to do’ which is a punishing feeling
- I stop doing my best if the ‘reward’ isn’t available
- The ‘reward’ has to keep getting bigger for it to feel like a reward and if it doesn’t then I will tend to stop doing my best
- If I don’t get the ‘reward’, I feel punished
Instead, start from the assumption that your employees want to do a good job. If possible, pay them a little over the market rate so they don’t feel taken for granted. Manage them and the organisation well, so it is easy and intrinsically rewarding for them to do a good job. (More on this in other posts)
5. Setting challenging goals. For some personality types this works well. People who enjoy risk are motivated by ‘audacious’ goals. These folk have a tendency to climb Mount Everest and then become motivational speakers who want to teach us ‘how to climb your inner Mount Everest’. Ignore them if you don’t have the same love of risk. Instead, set goals that feel achievable and meaningful to you.
Coming soon – more tips on effective goal setting
* A note on rewards – In this post I am using the term ‘reward’ in the way it is commonly used i.e. giving someone something external (like money or praise) when they do what you want. From the perspective of behavioural science this isn’t an accurate use of the word. There is an excellent discussion of this here
People Assume It’s You, Not The Situation
The ‘fundamental attribution error‘ is a psychology term used to describe how we often make mistakes in interpreting why people have done something.
‘People have a tendency to give personality based explanations for other peoples behavior more weight than situational factors. ….(But) people tend to explain their OWN behavior to situational factors more than personality factors.’
An example of this is, if I see you respond angrily to a difficult customer I am likely to conclude that you are impatient or unskilled in customer relations but if I snap at a customer I know that it is because I am sleep-deprived because my child has been unwell and frustrated because this is the fifth time I have dealt with unreasonable complaints from this particular customer.
Susan Weinschenk says that knowing about the fundamental attribution error doesn’t seem to stop us from continuing to make it. Which is sort of reassuring to me because I repeatedly notice myself doing it! She suggests we:
‘try and build in ways to cross-check your own biases. If your work requires you to make a lot of decisions about why people are doing what they are doing, you might want to stop before acting on your decisions and ask yourself, “Am I making a Fundamental Attribution Error?”
My approach is to build some flexibility into my interpretation of the event by brainstorming as many different explanations as I can for why the person might act that way.
How To Transform a Team
Sometimes teams become unhappy. Just like in a bad marriage, all the interactions become loaded. Problematic behaviour is noticed and ruminated upon. Attempts to improve things go unnoticed and wither. People are in pain and at a loss how to improve things.
So what needs to happen to change things?
My work with unhappy teams suggest a few ideas
1. Explore the situation with curiosity – are there some real world problems that are adding to the disharmony? Things like lack of role clarity, lack of resources, unclear expectations? Fix these.
2. Acknowledge – the pain; the impulses to act out that pain and make things worse; the many attempts that people have made to improve things; the feelings of hopelessness, ‘Things are never going to get better’.
3. Develop some team values. At all costs avoid motherhood statements here. Find the words that express what, deep in their hearts, team members want this team to stand for. The team values statement should be a clarion call – something so powerful that people are willing to face the pain of taking action to sort the mess out. To take action over and over again even if it doesn’t seem to lead to change. Change is slow and hard won – we often need to labour unrewarded for a while before things improve.
4. Agree on behaviours and actions that align with those values. What would your customers, colleagues etc see and hear you doing if you were living those values?
5. Make a plan for when they relapse. How will you respond when someone doesn’t live your agreed values?
6. Encourage them – be a cheerleader in the tough times.
Do all this with compassion, curiosity and openness and perhaps, just maybe, things might change.
The Sun Always Rises – Hemingway
This struck a real chord for me, especially as I am going to be on a plane tomorrow:
“We stare at our computer screens cataloguing our lives unaware that every important decisions has been taken by one goal: the avoidance of pain. We look out of the airplane window reviewing our belief system and realise that it’s an anti-belief system, a rejection of our values.
How did I get here?
We don’t see the consequences of one bad decision – I’ll eat this, I won’t go for a run tonight, I’ll take this job and pay off my loans, this job will give me confidence. But each decision makes it less likely we’ll do the ideal, and the effect mounts”.
