But what your Mum probably didn’t teach you, was how to express heartfelt gratitude in a way that enriches your relationships, has genuine meaningful impact on the other person and can also make you happier.
Expressing sincere appreciation is risky. The other person is often pleased but sometimes they seem uncomfortable and occasionally they seem to see it as an invitation to tell you how disappointing you are. Which can be unpleasant.
Is it possible to be more skilful in the way we express gratitude?
Behavioural science has some suggestions.
How Behavioural Psychology Can Increase The Impact Of Gratitude
This activity involves writing a letter of gratitude and delivering it in person.
Foody et al suggest that, in behavioural terms, gratitude involves a complex interplay between the thanker and thankee.
If you thank someone for something they don’t see as important or if your ‘thank you’ feels transactional, that you are doing it out of obligation or as a reward for good behaviour rather than as a genuine expression of what really matters to you, then the interaction can easily go awry.
So the first step is to ask yourself whether expressing gratitude is a behaviour that you value. Is it an expression of your best self?
If your answer to this is ‘Yes’ (and research would encourage you in this) then the next step is to realise that:
‘Gratitude requires complex levels of perspective taking, in terms of recognising what you value for yourself and how you perceive this should be … appreciated by others’
“Gratitude is an intimate expression of shared values that goes above and beyond what is felt’
Mairéad Foody, Yvonne Barnes-Holmes & Dermot Barnes-Holmes
This means that if you want your expression of gratitude to have the best chance of positively impacting on the other person, it would be wise to consider:
1. How does what happened link to the values of the other person? For example, ‘Thanks for signing my expenses form when I don’t have the receipts’ is unlikely to link to your manager’s values but ‘Thank you for trusting me enough to know I wouldn’t put in a false expenses claim. I promise to be more careful with my receipts next time’ might have more meaning for them.
2. How does what happened link to your own values? And where is the overlap between your values and theirs? It is in this shared space that deeper connection can form.
Taking a moment to think through these questions is likely to increase the chance that your expression of gratitude feels meaningful to the other person. And if, despite your best efforts at perspective taking, your thanks still don’t seem to have the positive impact you were hoping for – you will know that in that moment you were doing your best to be the person you want to be, which isn’t bad.
I want to thank you for reading this blog post to the end; for trusting that I will do my best to write something helpful and meaningful that, in some small way, enriches your life.
PS For Brisbane based readers – I am running another low-cost ‘Introduction to ACT’ session on May 26th. Details here.