Values – Page 4 – Working with ACT

How Believing You Will Be Successful Leads to Success..or Not

Posted on August 17, 2012August 17, 2012 by Rachel Collis

If, like me, you watch ‘The Voice’ or ‘Dragon’s Den’ or ‘(Insert Country you live in here) Idol’ or any similarly painful and joyful reality TV show, you will have heard competitors proclaiming that they won because they had ‘absolute faith’ that they would win.

Ben Gulak after being given $1.25 Million by the Dragons said, ‘If you really believe in something, keep going after it. If you want it badly enough there is always a way. You can make your dreams come true’

But if you watch a few of these shows you might also notice that there are hundreds of people with ‘absolute faith’ that they would win and most of them don’t end up the winner.

(Be warned – this clip is painful to watch. Mary Roach who said ‘I want this so bad, there is no way I am not going to get it‘ and then gets a dose of reality.)

and sometimes it is actually the person who is a bit doubtful about how good they are who wins:

(The deeply vulnerable Karise Eden, winner of The Voice Australia, singing with her mentor, Seal.)

So what does this mean?

Believing you will succeed can help you to set challenging goals and persist in the face of difficulty which does increase your chances of success. But if you fuse with the belief that you will succeed and treat it as the absolute truth then you aren’t open to feedback. You don’t even notice subtle feedback and you respond to more direct feedback with defensiveness and anger. Which means that you can’t learn, improve or change tack. So you are actually less likely to succeed.

What is a better plan?

Be clear about what values you want to express as you go after your goal. Notice the moments when the desire to win pulls you away from being the person you want to be. Then pause and breathe and come back to living your values. For Karise it looks like she has some deeply held values around singing from her heart; opening herself to the vulnerability of connecting with her own pain as she sings.
Make a plan that gives you the best shot at success. Do some research. Have other people succeeded at something similar? What did they do?
As you progress seek feedback and adjust your plan as you get more information.
Have some clear ideas about how long you will persist. What sacrifices are you willing to make and what sacrifices aren’t you willing to make? What will you use as a marker to tell you it is time to quit and move on to something else or that it is worth persisting some more?

And remember, the goals that are most likely to lead to emotional wellbeing are about connection, curiosity and kindness. So perhaps you don’t have to win ‘The Voice’?

Creating Great Mentoring Relationships

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Rachel Collis

Last night I spoke at an event held by the QUT Career Mentors Scheme. They were a great group of people – the mentees are students about to finish their degree and the mentors volunteer their time to support the students as they make the transition from study to work.

I shared some ideas on how to create great mentoring relationships, particularly how to avoid mentoring relationships that lack vitality and are….frankly boring.

Here is the handout that goes with the talk: How To Create Great Mentoring Relationships

Collaboration

Posted on July 11, 2012 by Dr Rob Archer

I live a controlled life. I live by myself, work for myself and please myself most of the time. I’ve done this all my life, having learned to retreat into my room and fix my own problems from a very early age. My early years were spent building self reliance, listening to my stereo: I am a Rock, So Strong, and today, The Mountain Goats.

And self reliance works well for me. I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want. I value my freedom.

Yet the flipside of this is that I cut myself off from other people. Working with other people involves compromise, which encroaches my freedom. So when that happens I retreat into my room, and take my freedom back.

In the short term this absolutely works. I don’t have to deal with anyone else or risk rejection. I don’t have to be disappointed by anyone, compromise on anything or negotiate with anyone. But in the long term I pay a price.

The price I pay is missing out on ideas, challenges and input that would make my ideas stronger and which would spread them wider. And I miss out on the enduring, deepening relationships which I long for.

Collaboration is an interesting word. A collaborator in World War 2 was someone who forsook their principles for short term expedience. Funny how context matters – for me collaborator has come to mean the exact opposite.

The word collaborator comes from ‘com’ (with), and ‘labore’ (to work). And that’s the point – collaboration takes work. Work I am often not prepared to do, even when I know I can do more, influence more, grow more and achieve more with other people than I can alone. Yet I refuse to pay the price because I have to pay it now, and the consequences are not felt til later.

That’s why psychological flexibility is so relevant; especially when applied to values. Very often what I am convinced are values are actually avoidance strategies. By noticing this I can choose my behaviour more consciously and inch forward, slowly, in the direction I choose.

I may be a rock, but I choose not to be an island.

If You Had a Couple of Extra Hours In The Week, What Would You Spend Them On?

Posted on June 4, 2012June 5, 2012 by Rachel Collis

Just imagine, something magical happens and you suddenly find yourself with two extra hours in the week. Empty…waiting to be used. What a delicious thought!

How would you choose to spend those hours?

Romanian Family (Photo credit: JoshLawton)

Would you:

Work on a pet project that matters to you?
Spend more time with loved ones? Doing what?
Look after yourself a little better – perhaps exercising more often; cooking healthier food; getting more sleep?
What would it be…..?

And…what wouldn’t you choose to do with that time?

I invite you to sit with those questions. To let them be with you over the next few days and see what turns up.

If you want to find time for an important but neglected activity, then I encourage you to start small. Just pick one action and commit to focussing on that area for 10 minutes more each week.

If that change seems to give your life more vitality, you might then choose to gradually increase it over time.

This question comes from an interesting book: Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others by Andrew Sobal and Jerold Panas

If You Knew You Would Succeed, You Could Enjoy The Journey

Posted on March 22, 2012 by Rachel Collis

For many years I had this quote on my wall.

It was a reminder that I have a tendency to waste the current moment worrying about the future.

I would have enjoyed medical school much more, if I had known that I would pass all of my exams ( I did just sneak through pharmacology with a bare pass but that is another story!).

I would have enjoyed the time when my children were little so much more, if I had known that they would grow into delightful human beings. (Which they have, in my completely unbiased opinion!).

It goes on and on.

Even though I had this reminder stuck on my wall, I still found myself hooked by my worries.

I now take a slightly different ACT informed approach.

I accept that my mind has a natural tendency to worry. When worries come up I see them for what they are – my mind doing it’s best to look after me – and I let those thoughts play in the background. (This is called defusion)

I have a commitment to be mindful. I am training myself to notice where my attention is and to keep bringing it back to this minute now. This precious moment that will never return.

My definition of success has changed. Success now means living my values. Making moment to moment choices about the qualities I want to bring into a particular situation. (Rob has made a great list of values clarification exercises here). This shift changes everything. It means that in any moment I can move from being unsuccessful to successful.

For example, I value being authentic. So if I notice during a conversation that I am being inauthentic, I can choose what more authentic behaviour would look like in that situation and then in the very next moment, do it (which is sometimes incredibly scary!) and ‘Bam!’ I have just been successful. The interaction might go terribly or wonderfully but I have lived my values and that is my definition of success.

How to Pitch an Idea (or, How ‘Dragon’s Den’ Relates to ACT)

Posted on March 5, 2012February 17, 2012 by Rachel Collis

Dragon’s Den is a show where budding entrepreneurs pitch their ideas to a group of successful business people in the hope of winning some investment.

The show fascinates me. I love spotting academic theories about influence and negotiation being played out in real life. The show also demonstrates how more psychologically flexible entrepreneurs tend to be more successful in their pitches. Professor Frank Bond has done some cool research at the BBC to support this idea.

There seem to be a few key principles if you want to get the approval of the investors.

1. Consider the perspective of the investors (Why would they want to invest? What will they gain?); potential customers (Why would they buy?) and competitors (How easy would it be for them to steal my idea?). Perspective taking is a key aspect of psychological flexibility.

2. Hold ideas like ‘This is a brilliant idea and I am going to be incredibly successsful‘ lightly. Fusing with these sorts of thoughts seems to increase the risk of throwing good money after bad and doesn’t seem to convince others.

3. Understand the difference between solid, real world facts and what your mind is telling you. Others find facts much more convincing than your opinion. Smart business people consider the facts (Sales figures, profits, awards won) when they make decisions.

4. Learn to perform well even when you are feeling incredibly anxious. This is a great strength of the ACT approach. ACT teaches people how to perform even when they are feeling strong emotions. Rob and I have a course on this.

5. When you are having an important conversation – really listen to what the other person is saying. Get present with them and give them your full attention. Be open to their feedback and also be willing to give them facts that might change their mind.

6. Know your values and live those values in the interaction. You then come across as vital, authentic and trustworthy (assuming those are your values!)

7. Know how this ‘pitch’ fits with what you want your life to be about. Is this a drive to make money or does it connect to something deeper?

7. Demonstrate willingness. What are you prepared to do to make your idea successful? Live on very little money? Work hard? Face rejection? Acknowledge what you don’t know and ask for help?

Here is someone who nailed it – sadly he completely misses the reason he nailed it.

Effective Decision Making

Posted on February 27, 2012August 2, 2012 by Rachel Collis

Sometimes we have to make important decisions where the ‘right’ answer is unclear. I would like to suggest this process for making for those tricker decisions:

1. Which of your values are relevant in this situation?

2. What are the key facts? In this step aim to see the world the way it really is rather than as your mind tells you it is.

3. What is the relationship between the facts – how do they interact?

4. Focus in depth on different parts of the problem (whilst keeping the whole in mind). Take different perspectives – how would others view this problem? How will you view this problem in 5 years time?

5. Consider that there may be a better alternative that you haven’t thought of. Ask for advice. Do some research. Brainstorm. Consider trialling different options and observing how they turn out.

6. Be prepared to sit either with the discomfort of not deciding or with the discomfort of deciding and possibly making the wrong decision. See if it possible to have those difficult thoughts and feelings without them pushing you around.

7. Make a decision and then check it against your values – is this a move towards what you want your life to be about?

6. Observe the outcome and be prepared to make incremental adjustments. Again, work to see the world as it really is – rather than how your mind tells you it is.

This process draws on Roger Martin’s work on Integrative Thinking

I think he has developed a great model and adding in connection to values, defusion, perspective taking and acceptance make it that bit better!

Rob wrote a great post on the costs of making decisions without any connection to values.

The Problem With Work-Life Balance

Posted on February 17, 2012August 2, 2012 by Rachel Collis

I think the concept of ‘work-life balance’ is deeply flawed.

The phrase suggests that:

Work and life are somehow different. Now, that is patently stupid. If you aren’t feeling alive when you are working, then your problem isn’t lack of work-life balance. You probably need a good career coach – I hear that this fellow is quite good.
There is a state where everything is in balance and there are people who have achieved that state. I have honestly never been in that state. have you? Do you know anyone who has been in that state?

I think a much better strategy involves a fundamentally different approach.

(Enjoying the Beach with Albert – Two valued domains (Relationship and Health) at the same time!)

1. Instead of just balancing work and life I think the task is much more complex. We need to work on balancing different life domains (or what Kelly Wilson would call ‘Domains of valued living’). Most of us have a few of these. Mine are: family, work/achievement, learning, friends, relationship, health and wellbeing, contribution/community.

2. It would also help to view ‘balance’ as a verb – ‘balancing’. An ongoing process that involves:

Deciding on the areas of life that matter to you and what values and actions you want to take in each area.
Noticing how you are doing over time. Getting better and better at noticing when you are focussed too much on one area of life and neglecting other important areas…and then making a correction.

You can take the Valued Living Questionnaire here to see how you are going in balancing your life.

ACT for The Squeeze-Machine

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Rachel Collis

This guest post was written by Maarten Aalberse.

We may have been asked to lead an in-company training for stress-reduction and performance-enhancement.

We may have checked as best as we can the ‘spirit’/ culture/ values of the company, and it doesn’t look bad at all. So we decide to agree.

And then… at some moment during the training we sense that something isn’t quite right.

Participants seem to be more reluctant to share their experience of the exercises we propose, there are hardly any questions after a short presentation, the work in small groups appears to be very ‘careful’, or something similar may make us uneasy, and we suspect that something in the company just isn’t right.

If we are lucky, we might hear something more in a break.

But maybe we just have to do with this nagging feeling.

What to do, then? In most cases, any direct questioning may lead nowhere, or even bring in more problems, as we observe people shutting down even more.

One option might be, after having introduced the ACT perspective on values, to invite the group to brainstorm on the values of the company. It would be really helpful if not only the ‘official’ values get mentioned, but also the more implicit ones. But again, this is most likely not something to aim for too openly. But we might pick up some clues…

Then – or at a later time, if it seems better to play safe, we ask the participants to clarify their own values, and explore if there appear to be any conflicting values, and explore some ways how such conflicts can be responded to.

Then the time may come to explore if there are any conflicts between the personal values and the values of the company, clarified earlier on. It might be useful to mention too, that this is a far from uncommon experience.

Now how can such conflicts be dealt with? The most helpful responses would probably be those that emerge from the group.

But some suggestions can be given, and even explored :

1) Sensing how this conflict affects the particpants : which bodily tensions manifest when ‘staying with’ this conflict ? Which feelings emerge, and where in their bodies can these be felt ? What thoughts pop up, when staying with this conflict ? All the mindfulness skills explored earlier on can be most useful, here. It may be that new alternatives emerge. Or it may that this exercise has prepared the ground for another exploration :

2) It may be useful to clarify the ‘value in the value’. If the company values (too much) the productivity of the team, we maight ask something along the lines of ‘And when, for your company, productivity is so important, what does it want to have happen through this productivity that is even more important ?’ The same can be asked about the personal values that appear to be in conflict with the company’s values.

Often, when these 2 ‘deeper’ values become clearer, it is easier to find ways in which they can become compatible. Or at least, better lived with. That is, in a way that the employees experience themselves less in an either-or situation that is inherently stressing, and that will bothr reduce the productivity of the company and the quality of life of the employees.

I would love to read other suggestions for handling this very delicate and often quite important situation.

Maarten Aalberse is a clinical psychologist, living in France and conducting trainings throughout Europe about his integration of ACT, client-generated metaphors and emotion-regulation.

He has co-written two books : « L’intelligence du Stress » (Eyrolles, 2008) and : « Bi-Fokale Aufmerksamkeit » (= Bi-Focal Mindfulness), DKVT-Verlaf, in press.

Contact : m.aalberse@gmail.com ; site under construction.